There are moments that I wonder, question, and ponder our parenting style. I was raised in a passive/aggressive home where anger (or expressing any "negative" feelings whatsoever) was not allowed. My husband was raised in a military family where following orders without question was the expectation. We decided years ago that our parenting choices would be ones that encouraged our children to express themselves and allowed them to grow into their own special and unique personalities. For the most part we've done just that. And likewise, for the most part we have felt that was a good and healthy decision.
However, we have an eight year old daughter (with her father's I.Q.) that makes me wonder if perhaps we should have instilled more boundaries. I love her intellect and the way I can almost see the questions and opinions forming in her mind. I don't, however, love the fact that she constantly questions ME, my requests, and my directions. I struggle far too often with the patience required to answer not only her first question of "How come?", but the subsequent questions that are sure to follow. Sometimes I just want her to pick up her shoes from the family room floor - just because I said so - without question.
I'm finding my frustration with simple household chores and behavior issues effecting my ability to be the great unschoolish mom that I truly and deeply want to be. The questions need to fit into a neat little box and come at a time that is convenient for me. But then that's not unschooling, is it? I'm going to have to search my heart, do some yoga, breathe deeply, and answer the questions - anytime. I need to rediscover the joy of the simple, full, alternative life we have chosen, and embrace all that it means. But sometimes, just every once in a while, can I say, "because I said so!", and still be a card carrying positive disciplining, simple living, really cool homeschooling mom?
| Evolved Homeschooling |
||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Get Your Free Web Ring by Bravenet.com |
||||
5 comments:
I have always felt that that unschooling is not unparenting. There are household administrative tasks that need to be done---and, IMO, shared. It's a process--figuring out what works and what doesn't. And it is ever-changing for us.
Thanks for commenting, Debra. It's nice to "meet" you. I just made a quick visit to your lovely site, and my mouth is watering -- such lovely work.
I agree that good parenting is ever-changing. It is so important that we listen and respond to our children's needs as we all grow and change.
Unschooling is definintely not unparenting. ;-) In fact, if done well, that is not even a possibility. I just need to be able to strike a bit of a balance right now, as fleeting as that may be. Yep, a process indeed.
Do you think perhaps your daughter instinctively wants boundaries - not to hem her in and set discipline from without, but to hold her while she forms internal discipline? In my family we talk alot about being a team, and how every team needs a wise and trusted leader - which would be ME! ;-)
We discuss how we want things to ideally be in our home, and then I take charge or co-ordinating and enforcing our group efforts to achieve that ideal. I don't believe children should have the weight of too many choices and responsibilities on their shoulders, but I do believe a parent should be more a team leader than a dictator. I also talk to our daughter about how sometimes simply accepting instructions without questioning them can lead to a smoother and happier existence.
Hi -- I'm new to your blog, so I hope you don't mind me stepping in with parenting thoughts.
One thing: we try to answer questions after the requested task is complete. The hoped-for message is that questions are not unreasonable, but they are also not a successfully strategy for stalling or derailing the activity at hand.
Another thing: I think of this not so much as an obedience/authority issue but as a trust issue. (Not that obedience and authority are bad things, but those words seem to have such negative connotations that we might as well set them aside.) In order to feel secure, my children need to know both that they can question and that they can trust -- and respect -- their parents' judgement while they are still developing their own.
Another thing: Respect is key. If your child was going about a project and you questioned everything she was doing, she would not feel respected. If you did that to your husband, he might rightfully tell you to keep it to yourself. You needn't tolerate someone questioning your parenting constantly either -- that's disrespectful.
I'm sure you know this, but just to affirm: loving, positive, respectful parenting doesn't require parents who are open to their children's wants (distinct from needs) 24 hours a day. It's a great example to say, "I'll be happy to talk with you about that later. Right now we need to . . . " You'll want your children to assert themselves the same way when life calls for it.
Thanks so much for all your comments. It's nice to not only have new folks join me here in this little space, but to feel the thought and concern you've share with me. I've gained some lovely bits of wisdom from each of you, and I thank you so very much.
Post a Comment